Of things to come
Warning: Long post ahead, please avoid if disinterested
The past week or so has been a period of fairly deep introspection for me. Incidents triggered off fresh incidents, new occurances triggered off old memories, and that has nearly been my undoing.
You see, there were tons of memories that I filed away carefully, in the darkest shelf of my brain. I called it "Forgotten", but apparently "Dormant" would have been more appropriate.
A friend from my hometown travelled here on work, and we met up for the regular beer and exotic dinner that we so enjoy together. This friend (I'll call him Arachnoid) has been more a close acquaintance than a friend. However, we have an innate ability to sort each other out, or completely understand the other's situation, without either of us saying much.
His first sentence after the excited hellos and hugs was "We need to talk". And I shivered in my pants. Y'know, we talk about seemingly the most inconsequential things, but only we know how much they matter. And Arachnoid teaches me to acept without beating myself up over a lot. He listens, he probes, he brings out a helluva lot more of the inconsequentials, and asks me seemingly-innocuous-but-very-pertinent questions.
There's a lot hidden in the depths of me that has hurt me more than I care to admit. There's a lot of shit I've taken, and a lot of shit I've been through. So far, I've behaved like it doesn't really matter. I have been there for a lot of people, but have not had anyone in return. I've tried to make it seem like everyone goes through shit at some point or another, and so what I'm going through is really nothing.
But that's not true. Alright, so what I've been through may not be as disastrous as what some other people have been through. Maybe what has hppened to me in the past has happened to five billion people as well. But I'm able to see for the first time, that I am my past. Every single incident in the past 23 years has shaped me into the being I am today. Has had a profound influence on the personality I today exude.
I'm not saying this only in the context of the more negative experiences I've had... certainly I mean in as much in the good sense as in the bad. However, the good doesn't hurt, the good doesn't resurface with the same intensity. That's for sure.
This is going to take a very long time to accept. The layers are peeling off, the acceptance (and resignation) has begun to set in, and the wounds are resurfacing, if only to heal. It hurts, yes, but I'm pleased. The cathartsis has probably begun. I don't know if I'm going to have the soul or the will to see it to completion, but at least I've initiated the process.
Whatever happens, happens. If I'm this strong by denying, perhaps I'm going to get stronger by accepting? Perhaps I'll convert vulnerability to emotionality? Only time will tell.
And I am waiting to hear.
As a start to this exercise, I'm going to begin by being honest. To myself, with myself. It's what I owe myself, maybe. I've hidden too many things for too long, to remember how to react, or what, or why. And I'm going to regularly post one incident from memory, that shook me to my very roots, questioned everything about me, and left me different.
I started this blog as a means to vent out my frustrations and pour out my heart. As a place where I could express doubt, fear, anger, disillusionment and despair. That does not mean I'm not happy - please let's be very clear. You see, the thing is, I have loads of people willing to share the joy and the glory and the happiness with me. But the negatives? That's where I'm alone.
My request to you is this: please don't offer me sympathy - it's not what I'm looking for, or why I'm doing this. If in the future, we happen to meet, as more than two passing IP addresses, please don't hold any of this against me. In fact, perhaps don't even bring things up.
And please, send out one good vibe for me - I suddenly feel like I need the support.
posted by La Eposa @ 3:22 PM
