Someday maybe?
I’m an emotionally demanding person to be around. Nay… emotionally draining is more like it. While I do not demand anything materially, I do certainly expect that any person I’m with, be it friend or boyfriend, will give me adequate attention. Which does not, of course, go to say that I expect 25 hours of phone conversation each day, or four million messages. But I certainly do expect that they do more than message me more than one good morning, and one good night message.
I’ve always felt that people didn’t really have this to give, especially for me. I mean, friends were always willing to foot the bill, boyfriends were always willing to buy gifts… but that’s not what I wanted. People were invariably never around when I needed them.
I think what I really want is somebody who will be around when I need them. Sure, I have friends, and sure I love a lot of people. But sometimes I feel like I do so much for people, and I don’t get anything done for me in return. I’m not saying I do things for people because I want them to do something back for me. But you know, sometimes I guess I feel taken for granted.
I want to be able to tell someone that they look horrible in their outfit, without them taking it personally. I want someone who knows that I am still their friend even if I don’t meet up with them every second day. I want someone who I can be honest and myself with. Someone who’ll gladly share in my ups, and maybe sometimes lend an ear if I want it too.
Perhaps some of it has to do with me too. I don’t share easily, and I’m definitely more a listener than a talker. I’m constantly nervous that people judge me by my actions, and I’m constantly living my life for other people. So when I do let go, I really let go, and then I get hurt. Again.
I want someone who can reassure me time and again that I’m ok. Yes, I do need that frequently, even if I don’t show it. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I think, and I hate the way my mind works. Basically, I’m not too high up on the self-esteem scale.
Outwardly, I’m successful, I’m grown up, I’m confident. Inside, I’m a shy, cowering, scared child. Outwardly, I’m masculine – I’m a biker chick, I’m a back-slapping beer drinker, I’m a short-nailed, no-time-for-frills person who checks out women with her male friends. Who gives men advice on how to treat their woman, and who loves boys’ nights out. Inside, I’m craving the same attention that these men give their woman. I want to be made to feel gorgeous, I want to feel special, I want to be pampered. I’d like people to take initiative for me instead of being the one to do it all the time. I’d like to be picked up some nights, instead of being the one that ferries people around. Small things. I want someone to do the small things for me.
The reason I’m so scared of commitment is that I think it will chase people away the minute they know what I want. On the one hand, I look at the thousands of successful couples making unreasonable demands around me, and I think I’ll be way better than them. On the other hand, however, I don’t know that that’s possible. Plus, there’s always the fear of losing what you have someday… so sometimes it’s better not to have anything than to have something and lose it all…
Am I making any sense at all? I thought not…
posted by La Eposa @ 3:03 PM
