Taking Stock
Warning : Long, egoistical post ahead, more for my benefit than anyone else's. Please avoid if you're not in the mood.
Materially, I'm no millionaire. I don't live in a palatial mansion, I don't drive a Merc (or even an Ikon), I don't spend money lavishly (I don't have that much) and I don't live flamboyantly. But I do have a little apartment, I do have a fully functional kitchen, I do have some furniture, I do have a little car, two phones and many other things. They're not big things, but they're ALL mine. Every inch of everything is mine. My hard work, and my earnings.
I haven't taken a penny from my folks. On the contrary, I send money home every month - a substantial amount, I might add. I make tax savings. I go out and socialise a fair bit, I party. Sometimes, I even pamper myself at the beauty parlour. Basically, I don't deprive myself of much, really.
Physically, I'm not so bad either. I have all my faculties in place, and all my senses functioning perfectly well. Intellectually, well... let's just say I wouldn't have the job I do, if I didn't have something to show for it!
And emotionally, yea... I'm pretty ok. I've been there for people who've needed me, I've empathised to my best extent, and I've put myself out for people. How do I know? Well, I just do.
So why am I being so egoistical at the start of the year? Well, it's like this. If there's one thing I have in plenty, it's an inferiority complex. I constantly make disparaging comparisions with other people (even random strangers) physically, mentally, intellectually and emotionally. Oh yea, I am a completely "with it" person on the outside, but inside, I'm a mess.
But it's not all my fault. I've constantly been judged along these factors, y'know, by friends, family, society... So much so, that it's been ingrained in me now.
However, I've realised this much : situations I'm in are (mostly) in my control. I am the only one who can control my mind, and therefore, whether I'm feeling inferior or not is completely up to me. I do not mean to boast, but I certainly am proud of all I've achieved. I have had no help, and I have had my own set of hurdles to overcome.
I work bloody hard. I run a succesful professional life (haven't been sacked yet!) and balance it with running a home. I cook myself, and pack luch for a couple of single uncles I have in this city. I have a set of good friends, who are there for me, and whom I'm there for as well. And I have the best family in the whole wide world.
I have no reason to feel inferior. I lack nothing.
And so, I am henceforth going to try my hardest to feel the confidence I portray. To feel as successful as I appear. And certainly, to be as content as I seem.
That is my goal for this year.
posted by La Eposa @ 5:50 PM
