Keeping That Faith
It takes an incredible lot to smile everyday. At this point in my life, I have everything, and nothing.
On the outside, I am a seemingly successful corporate worker, with everything that anyone could ask for. But I have no relationships to speak of, and no respect, least of all for myself.
It is a painful thing to have to go through everything you do, alone, lonely. When you are surrounded by people you feel alienated from, and inferior to. When you are with the world, and the world is not with you.
And when the tears that you want so badly dried by a word of love, are left to dry with the cool, chilly wind.
And when you are such good friends with so many people, but can't be friends with yourself.
Maybe a large part of it has to do with just me. With just my perspective. It's all about how you perceive things, ainnit? If you see yourself happy, you are; if you see yourself fat, you are, etc. But surely, surely somewhere, some part of it has to be caused externally?
It's still painful.
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Two Much Excitement
One is a lot of excitement, and sufficiently thrills me. But two... two? That's just more excitement than my wee heart can handle. It is simply splendid.
Two of my best friends are getting married. No, not to each other - they're both male (NO, I SAID NOT TO EACH OTHER)
One of them is very imminent - end of this month, and I'm so extremely excited (are you bored of that word yet? I'm not. Can you tell? Can you tell?) He marries a person as lovely as he is, as intelligent, articulate, qualified, nice, charming and good-looking. And YAY!!!!
So many nice things shall be bought, many nice clothes shall be planned, and many evil plans thought up, to execute while the Friends are all in the same city.
The other groom is another gorgeously handsome, extremely nice male. And he is marrying a gorgeously pretty female, who I don't know yet (but plan on getting to know, for sure) No dates have been fixed yet, but it's likely to be a June wedding the next year. Yippee!!!
Commonality? Neither resides in India. (sad face)
But for now.... yayyyyyyyyyyy!!
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Free!! Free!! Free!!
Ladies & gentlemen, I would like to invite you to the unshackling of my spirit, the uncreasing of my brows, the drying of my eyes and the un-deflation of my ego.
Yes! I'm free! Free to fly, free to float, free to dream! Free to work!! Yay! I'm Freeeeeeeeeeee!
(or at least, I will be, on the 10th of this month)
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What?
Ok, so people miss people all the time. But the worst kind is when you're missing someone while you're with them.
The false closeness, the inner distance, the forced banter, the wrenched smiles. It's horrible.
What do you do in a situation like that? When someone's hurting you so bad, you can't even say anything. When you're close enough to give them the world, but you're so apart you can't even mention that? And when they simply don't know they mean the world to you?
What do you do?
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Despite myself
There is a wise man I once met who impressed me with his philosphy. It is important to note here, that I'm not one who is easily led by religion, spirituality, or any of the like. Being as un-religious as I am, it is also a little difficult to fathom that people turn followers of another human being.
However, there is one person's philosophy I once heard (against my will, I must admit), and was rather impressed by (albeit reluctantly). Specifically, there were two things he mentioned, which grasped my attention immediately.
In today's world, every person must live life 200 percent - 100 percent materially, and 100 percent spiritually. It is important that people enjoy what the world has to offer today, and it is important that people not only live, but also participate in the moment, in the present.
At the same time, it is equally vital that one doesn't lose sight of their need for spirituality. And yes, everyone does need it. Forms may vary, definitions may vary, but the inherent thought remains the same.
I'm not a spiritual person. I have no idea where I'm headed, and it doesn't bother me. But I do strive to think good thoughts, have those translated to good words, and ultimately translate those to good deeds.
And I think I'm doing fine.
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At the end of your rope? Tie a knot and swing!
--Leo Buscaglia, The Hug Doctor
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Why don't people get that?
To a person who wants to put all of the past away, and make a brand new start, to someone who wants to begin life anew and have absolutely nothing to do with their "previous life", is it not but natural to consider financial independence a part of the freedom of flight? Perhaps not so much because of the spending power itself, but because they don't want to listen to someone else's voice, even in the background?
When a person lives their life with somebody else's money, they are automatically giving that other person a say in their life. No matter how much you try to avoid it, your decisions are always influenced, to whatever extent, by what the lender might think. And no matter if its a loan, or a gift, money always changes quations in relationships.
If one feels obligated towards people, merely because a particular situation, is it not easier to avoid feeling that way by merely avoiding that particular situation? And to continue having a great relationship with people without the awkwardness of obligation creeping in?
Then why don't people get that?
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I Could Get Dooced For This
But then again, it can't be possible to fire an employee after they resign, no? Ha ha... I'm hugging my little secret to myself, and thoroughly enjoying looking at people around me slog their arses off in this shithole.
It is possible to manage office politics. It is possible to manage errant colleagues. It is possible to manage a leering superior. It is possible to manage hierarchical egos. It is even possible to manage your work when every project is a new challenge.
However, and I do stress this, it is not possible to manage ALL of these together. Or maybe it's just me. Perhaps I'm the stupid one, to expect a company not to fudge client statistics, to expect superiors to actually manage their team, to expect the company to take precedence over personal egos, to expect that professionalism is what matters. Ha - stupid, naive, idealistic me.
I don't have another job. I don't have future plans. I don't have a clue as to which direction I'm headed in. I don't even have the assurance of money to sustain me for a really long period of time.
I do believe that I am making the right decision, that I can henceforth sleep easy at night, and that in its characteristic strange way, cosmic justice will prevail. Perhaps there are lessons to be learnt from this, and I will not learn that till the present becomes a hindsight.
But a clear conscience is my softest pillow.
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