Show me the way to the next vodka bar
Surds are hot. Did you know that? They're very hot.
I went away on a two-day sojourn to Pondicherry, with a hot Surd I met at the Hash runs. He's also, incidentally, pretty well qualified - a financial consultant by profesison and all - and a smooth talker. I like. Thankfully though, the chemistry's faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar from alive, and honestly, I'd prefer to keep things that way. My priorities have changed now, but we'll save that topic for another post.
So anyway, when you go away with a man who you KNOW will not violate you (and more importantly, whom you will not violate), it makes even the start of your holiday so much more enjoyable. I was able to let loose and have a blast, and even get pissed drunk, without ever a doubt that I would do anything I didn't want to.
And in two days, I managed to pack in a Freedom Jam, several walks by the sea, several trips to quaint coffee shops, several walks down charming little lanes, two Bacardi Breezers, and two quarters of vodka. Which must be more than I've EVER drunk in my life.
My liver's still floating around in a sea of Smirnoff, gently hiccupping every now and then.
And I light my incense, inhale natural aromas, and sit down to write in my comfy new clothes, on divine handmade paper, by all the teracotta-ware that I now own.
Sigh. I love this city.
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Wedding Ring
When the warmth surrounds me
I sigh and smile and look about
Contentment knows no other form
It lies in hugs and dispelled doubt
In promises made and built-up dreams
The silence speaks of eternal faith
In nurtured hope, my fruit is borne
I've found my man, now time can wait.
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J V J
Silently the stars smile
And knowingly, wink down at you
Sharing a secret thrill
Of discovery in midnight blue
Of sheen and shine
And halted time
And stories made
As voices fade
Whispers hush the glistened air
And stir to life a memory
A black-and-white photo etched inside
Phantasm, now reality.
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Life. Or something like it.
It's been playing on my mind lately. What am I doing with my life? Where am I headed, and what is the Plan that Destiny has in store for me? How best do I influence destiny herself, and head where I want to head?
Talking of which, where is it that I want to head? I have so much now - careers, friends, lovers, family, money. But I'm still left with an emptiness inside me that needs to be filled. And I realised this much yesterday:
I'm a person who's happiest while giving. The more I give, the happier I am; the less I give, the guiltier I am. Yes, even if I really have nothing to be guilty about.
And so what I want to do, is volunteer. I want to give of my time, my efforts, and my mind for others. Not for myself - just for others. I want to head to a disaster zone and volunteer for disaster relief. I want to help the childern in Sudan, the people in Haiti, the women in Afghanistan. I want to be with Doctors Without Borders, with The Red Cross, with so many groups of amazing individuals who are selfless and giving.
I want to be like them.
It's the time in my life where I can afford to, y'know. I mean, I'm healthy, I'm mobile, I'm smart (!) and I have no committments. It's the time that I must use to give to others. And give I must.
Pointers, anyone? I'd be eternally grateful.
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Wondering...
Each time I sit down to write something at my blog, I am faced with a complete blank out. A lack of ideas, and a loss of memory. But as I go through life, I can think of a million things I want to say on here. Is that normal? Does that happen to everyone?
Anyway, my weekend was spent at home. Not in my home really, but in my home town. Which, I'm beginning to realise, I consider less of home than this place. I have really, really settled down here, and I'm loving more and more of it. My own apartment, my new friends, my job, my new car, my new life, and most of all, my new self.
In the past six months, I have grown incredibly. (Not just in size, mind you, but as a person too.) I have stoppoed taking myself, or life, so seriously, and I find that my mind has matured tremendously. My relationships with people are easier, my dealings are simpler and less complicated, and I'm more able to be myself than before.
Does that have anything to do with me, or is it just the people I've met?
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More Wishes
Happy Birthday, Fut Fetish!! May the bells on your toes toll forever!!
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WTF
If there were any words stronger than hate, despise, detest, loathing, spurn, contemn, abhor, curse, disdain, etc... well then that would be what I feel for this shit-hole I call my workplace.
I am yet to come across a place where people are more concerned about their own growth and egos, than about the actual progress of the company. Where kissing ass and sucking up will get you further than hard work. Where people are openly unprofessional, to the extent of passing the buck when their asses are on fire.
I have given myself an extension of two weeks. Two weeks in which I must find myself another job, another place where I might perhaps be regarded as a professional, and not just an enemy who never kisses ass. Because, you see, I don't. I am not into stroking egos.
And I'm not into stroking fat bulls' dicks either. Which, incidentally, I was asked to do. Not in so many words, of course. But I was propositioned for sure, and assured speedy growth in the company, should I consent to late night meetings at his apartment.
Of course I rejected him. Not only because he was an overly-adiposed homo sapien, but also because things like that are simply not done. In this organisation, or any other. Work is work, and pleasure is pleasure... and ideally, never the twain shall meet.
Sadly though, the reality is otherwise. We don't have an anti-harassment board (I mean, the ones who're qualified to be on that committee are the same ones that err, so...!!) I don't have a female colleague I can go to (the only female I know has slept her way to the top, so...!!) And I don't have the spinelessness to agree to this shit either.
Life is miserable, and the shame, degradation and humiliation have finally found their way to me. If the company was looking for a way to make me crumble, they have found it. The chink in my armour has been detected, and the spear has pierced. My ego can stand it no longer, and my conscience is no longer clear. I don't feel good about being associated with this place, and I no longer wish to be so. My reputation has been needlessly sullied, and there is no way I can fix things any more.
Two weeks. That's all I've got.
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Satur-Day & Night (Or Why I love Living Alone)
So... I spent the W.H.O.L.E. damn morning lolling around, catching up on two weeks' worth of sleep, attempting to catch up on my reading, watching movies on TV, and generally makin myself as unproductive as possible. The only two constructive things I did all morning were open the door for my cleaning lady to enter, and cooking myself brunch.
And so, I waddled in to work late afternoon, not wanting to, but definitely needing to. Grumpy, reluctant, and way too relaxed to work, it was all I could do to not shout out loud when I discoverd server maintenance going on! Yippee!! But I was up already, and so I kindly consented to drop my extremely musical genius friend off at the airport. (I must confess here, that I nearly went off to Cochin myself, but restrained myself remarkably!)
And back I was, at 6:15 pm, with nothing to do, and absolutely loving every minute of that joy. I waded through some more reading, I dozed a bit more, and then I had some chocolate. But best of all, I steadfastly refused all offers of a saturday night out, and watched my favourite man do his wonders on When Nature Calls!
That was till He called though. Birthday party, he said. So I got out of my torn boxers, and into something more presentable, and got myself picked up at 10:15 pm. One bottle of beer "for the road", tons of laughter and 45 minutes later, we arrived. At the Crocodile Bank - a reptile park about 30 km from town. For a birthday party!
And we hung around, dancin the street tangos, and Him drinking by the gallon, till the hosts decided they needed to retire. But heyyyy, we weren't done yet!! So off we took, driving along the most picturesque, most beautiful, most smooth East Coast Road. Doing the things we normally do, but interspersed with long bouts of silence, we drove along. And along, and along. Till at 4:30 am, we arrived... AT PONDICHERRY!!! Ha ha ha ha... I love my life.
Well, we looked around for places to stay, we checked a couple of hotels out, but two were full up, and one said they didn't take registrations till 7 am. So we went to this place that people said were open all night. And we found that they did indeed have rooms. But did we take 'em? Certainly not!! What we did instead was smooth-talk everyone that wasn't asleep, into giving us two bottles of beer, and off we took again!!
So there we were, at 5 am, clutching two bottles of beer, quite pooped from two hours of travel. So we hit the rocky beaches of Pondi, and sat there, the two of us, watching the sunrise, leaning on each others' shoulders, and sipping our beer. It was a gorgeously pretty sunrise, and i must admit quite shocking myself at drinking that early in the day. But hey... there's always a first time!!! :)
And so we drove back at 8, and got back into the Croc Bank, to sleep and awaken among the peaceful environs of the place. His turned out alright, but I awoke to a Sand Boa on my belly!!!Sigh... it was absolutely the best Saturday night of my life. Granted, it only ended on the afternoon of the Sabbath, but those are the privileges of living alone!!
I love my life!!!
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Wishes
Happy Birthday to Ptsu. You're the best!! (Kind of)
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Learnings & Leanings
It has been a period of ups and downs, these past six months. In retrospect, it has been mainly downs, but my affinity for that "bigger picture" leads me to believe that several negatives make for some positives.
And so, I have lost all that I thought was once most important to me. I am being taught, repeatedly, how shallow those things are, that I so dearly value. It is being drilled into me with fervor, the baselessness of what I regarded most important.
And through pain, I have learnt strength; through lack of effort, I have learned perseverence; through broken relationships, I have learned to live on my own.
The people I least valued, I realise now, are those who matter most. And the people I thought mattered most? Tsk... forget it. And that's the most hurting, y'know - to actually discover that your judgement has been wrong, and that you have wronged. It doesn't matter too much that you have been wronged too - at the time when the knife pierces you, you're only thinking "Oh my God! I was such a bitch!"
But you learn to live with it, because really, you must learn to live with yourself. When push comes to shove, there's only one person you toss and turn around with at night. Yourself.
Learning to live with yourself is hard. Learning to love yourself is harder. But the effort has been made, is being made, and I think that counts for something.
Yea... I'm doing ok...
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Delusion of a wandering mind
Brush away the dust and feel the nostalgia surge through you. It's back in a big way, isn't it - this whole restoration thing? Antique furniture, old boyfriends, scrapbook memories - they're all in big demand now.
I decided to let myself be scooped on the bandwagon. My newest recorder of events; she has been revived. Blogging, it has begun again. And herewith, I refuse to hide. (From myself, mainly)
So, ladies and gentlemen, get in, strap on and get set for the ride of my life.
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